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Sometimes, when a relationship ends, both of you feel that calling things to a close was the right thing to do. We speak to a lot of people who are in this situation — particularly on our free online counselling service Live Chat. However, this is often much easier to understand in theory than it is to accept emotionally. You may be perfectly aware that your partner no longer wants to be with you.


Last weekend, after braving a darty and dancing for two hours at a dive bar, my overtired friend asked everyone in our Lyft if they still had feelings for their first love. Although most of my friends had Marie Kondo'd their high school boos years ago, the sentiment started an interesting conversation: What happens if you still have feelings for an ex but are in a relationship?

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If my friends in poly relationships have taught me anything, it's that having feelings for someone doesn't negate your feelings for someone else. Even in a monogamous relationship, you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

What to do if you're in a relationship & still thinking about your ex

Still, if you're newly in loveit's natural to wonder what it means when you feel some heat for an old flame. That is completely normal. According to Brown, if you met or started seeing your current partner soon after your last breakup, it's actually likely that you will still have some feelings for your ex. Breakups can be painful and disorienting, and sometimes the heart takes a while to fully heal. While it's totally natural to be in love with your current partner and still have feelings for your ex, Dr. Brown shares the importance of being honest with yourself if you do notice these feelings.

Brown says. If you dated your ex for a while, they were your first great love, or you just really clicked, a piece of you may love them forever. Of course, whether you realized that you worked better as friends or the relationship just didn't work out, it can be important to be honest with yourself about how and why it ended. You can love your ex and not want to date them anymore, and you can love them and still be incompatible as partners. According to author and love coach Susan Winterreminding yourself that the romantic part of your relationship has ended can help you understand your feelings for your ex while being open to new relationships.

Of course, if you're seeing someone new but you're not sure that it really is over with your ex, or you're secretly-maybe-kind-of hoping you and your ex will get back together, Dr. Brown says it may be time for a check-in.

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It has ended, right? On the contrary.

Here's how to deal if you're dating someone new but still love your ex

If you were able to fall in love with your ex, then you are certainly capable of falling in love with someone new. Having feelings for your ex is proof that you will be able to love again. Still, if you're actively hoping to rekindle your old relationship, it's important to be honest with yourself and your new partner about it.

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When our desire to reconnect with our ex means we're no longer living in the present, we must recalibrate. If your last relationship ended amicably or you and your ex are still friendsDr. Brown says it's totally possible to have love for your ex without feeling in love with them. If your ex was the first person you felt you could really open up to or you went on amazing trips together, you may remember them fondly forever. As Dr. Brown points out, it's totally possible to hold space for the good times in past relationships while building new memories with a current partner.

In the aftermath of a breakup, it's natural to wonder if you'll ever get over your ex.

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And after lots of tears and long baths, when you've fallen in love with someone new, it's normal to wonder if it's OK to still have some old feelings. It's totally possible to be in love with your current boo and still love your ex.

Moving on when you’re still in love with your ex

Healing from heartbreak takes a lot of time, and holding space for people in your past doesn't mean you can't move forward. Of course, if you think you'd rather be with your ex or you're hoping to get back together, it may help to talk to your current boo about where you're at. The heart can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways, but being open and honest is always the way to go.

Gary Browncouples therapist. Susan Winterauthor and love coach. By Griffin Wynne.

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Updated: July 21, Originally Published: July 18, Search Close.

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We usually hear phrases like if you are in love, you definitely know it.


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Sometimes it can be difficult to tell if you're really over someone.