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To find a true lover who can give you real love, you have to know what true love is. Knowing how to distinguish pure love from false love will give you wisdom on building a long-lasting relationship and avoiding the toxic ones. Such insight will also keep you away from futile suffering due to loving the wrong person. Moreover, it will prevent you from hurting people and being guilty of not giving the right love.


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As a therapist specializing in relationship issuesI often see people in therapy existentially contemplating what love really means. This is, of course, a subjective venture; love may look and feel different to different people. When we determine we have fallen in love with someone, this is often done based on euphoric feelings of infatuation.

We think about the person constantly, craving connection with them both physically and emotionally. We want to know their thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs.

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We want to know about their past, be in their present, and dream about a future together. And in return, we expect them to do the same.


We expect reciprocity, desiring them as we expect to be desired. As we give them our time, attention, and affection, we expect the same. We view this quid pro quo as healthy and necessary: I will continue to give so long as I continue to get. While balanced is healthy and necessary in relationships, what really separates authentic love and ego love is this litmus test: If your partner were to leave you tomorrow, would your feelings toward them change?

Would you no longer feel love toward your partner out of resentment and anger? We are conditioned to feel hurt and sadness when we are rejected.

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This is normal. The question I am posing here goes beyond natural feelings associated with rejection.

This is a question of whether you truly love the person or if you love only what they give to you. Ego love is not truly selfless because we inherently attach some condition of control or possession to it. Ego love is based on conditions and expectations. I will not love you if you decide you do not love or want to be with me. When love is authentic, it does not seek to control or possess. Authentic love is based on a selfless admiration and fondness for the other person. We truly value and wish them happinesseven if that happiness does not include us.

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I will not act out in malice, and will not wish you harm if you decide you do not want to be in my life. Ideally, we all want to express authentic love and not ego love to our partners. However, this is not easily done.

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Often when we are hurt and feel rejected, it is easy to become angry and resentful. We do this out of self-protection, as a means of rationalizing and coping with the pain we feel. Demonstrating authentic love takes practice, patienceand self-awareness.

If you want to move away from ego love, try exploring what makes you believe you love your partner.

True love vs. fake love: 20 differences you must know

Find ways to grow your fondness and admiration for the person they are, not what you gain from being with them. All rights reserved. The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.

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Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. Please fill out all required fields to submit your message.

Ego love or authentic love: how do you know if you truly love someone?

Sometimes the euphoric feelings fade and you have to be honest with yourself about whether you were actually seeking just that feeling, or of you are actually looking to grow this into something more permanent and long lasting.

I see now that authentic love is what my 1st wife and I had. Unfortunately I love my new wife ego love but am working on changing it to authentic. Thanks for the article. Over the years I have come to love my spouse more and more every day. I knew that it was true love for me when I was willing to give up anyone and everything to be with her.

She would have never asked me to do that, but it was the knowledge knowing that I would if it came down to it. We have three beautiful children together, and I want to love him the way he loves me which is without condition. I have a lot of issues that stem from my childhood and past relationships, and I hope that therapy will help me to overcome these issues so that I can love my husband the way he deserves.

So can you Authentic love someone but still feel like your better off living seperate lives? How do you progress ego into authentic. Hands of which both had crystal glasses filled with champagne.

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I have since yearned for a chance that I might live through such q powerful feeling as their love gave off all for myself someday. I just know I will fall face forward with bleeding love and wild passion of mine I had not even known…. Loves hard sometimes but dont let anyone hurt you ever! I went to the dermatologist last month.

She was not young but about 10 years younger than me. I did get a skin cancer diagnosis. Since I saw her, I have felt a strong and ever present feeling of power and entrapment. The more I fight it, the more it constricts me. The only time it has no power is when I play my guitar, but after I finish, it comes back.

7 ways to tell if the love you and your partner have is actually real

To me, The thought of being in a relationship is more terrifying than drowning. This must be a love hoax! Like most human beings, I cannot see the whole picture. Too painful!! This to shall pass!

It’s true love and this is how you can tell

Here ends my abstract, confusing, and obscure love hoax!! I could have just answered my own question. Love is the opposite of hate. Feelings of hate and anger are very discernible, on the hand, love can be soft or hard, can be smooth or rough, can be brutally honest or misleading, can come of flee without notice, can pay-off or be a risk. Most thoughts, experiences, and shortcomings loose their power if we confess.

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The energy and power are released, but true love will remain. By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy. Get Listed .

Ego Love When we determine we have fallen in love with someone, this is often done based on euphoric feelings of infatuation. Find a Therapist Advanced Search. Invalid Address. Please confirm that you are human.

How do you know if it's real love? here are the facts about what makes love real

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