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  • What is my age:
  • 23
  • My hair:
  • Gray
  • What is my Zodiac sign:
  • Cancer
  • Favourite drink:
  • Ale
  • What is my favourite music:
  • Folk
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About

Dating and trying to find the right match feels like it becomes more difficult as you get older and gain life experiences. It seems that everyone you meet is weighed down by excess baggage that adds to the weight of your own. By a certain age, almost everyone has experienced love and loss in their lives.

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All this time, you were jealous of a dead guy?

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When I thought back on it, I had learned not to talk about my dead husband in the presence of my boyfriend, which made me sad, because often I was trying to feed my kids memories about their dead father. But I got it. It was a lot to live up to a dead guy and so I did my best to keep hubby-talk to a minimum. But did my love for my dead husband keep me from loving my boyfriend? Not in the least.

1. don’t ask how our spouse died. you might not be ready for the answer. if we want to tell you, we will when the time is right.

I only wished I could have shared that great part of me with him. They gave them space on anniversaries and deathaversaries, or cuddled if that was what they needed; they allowed their partner's free reign to talk about their dead partner and often even allowed photos of the dead partner in their shared home.

This was not my experience, and thus it ultimately led to the demise of my relationship. It takes a strong person, someone secure in themselves to date a widowed person.

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Like all relationships, it will come down to good communication. This list is meant to address the early days of dating.

Five tips from the experts for building a healthy relationship with a widower.

For me, this one was always tough. I hated seeing that pained look as the person tried to find the words to say in response. I learned over the years to drop my little bomb in an or text with a link to my website, so they could learn about me ahead of time and decide if they still wanted to date me. Usually, if the date is a parent themselves, this is moot, but if they are not, it can be a red flag. Honestly, we could use some help. That said, we are also used to doing it all ourselves. Telling us how to parent our grieving kids will not go over well.

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Taking our kids out for ice-cream while we have a bath or do an errand will win you huge points! Again, this is first-date stuff. We get it. Be empathetic, listen and please, whatever you do, do not pity us. This relates to 2. But please take this kid thing seriously.

The discussion

Those kids are grieving too and the last thing they need is another loss in their lives. This is a low blow. Maybe that is a reason. But more than likely there is a different reason. Be a friend. Wait for us if you care to.

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We are capable of loving more than one partner, just as we are all capable of loving more than one. This one is a bit controversial. In both cases, people are dealing with loss. In the case of a death loss, talking about the death, the deceased, etc is what helps us to heal.

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Both parties need to be able to talk about their loss and as soon as both parties accept that loss is at the root of their need to tell their story, the better off they will both be. Widowed people might be a little skittish about PDA right out of the gate, though that is a gross generalization. It reeks of false intentions. Some widowed people are so lonely they jump into the dating pool before they may be ready.

A romance with someone who has lost a spouse may progress at a different pace

There are no hard and fast rules as to how soon is too soon. A month? A year?

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Two years? Every person grieves on their own timetable. If the widowed person is still just too sad, be a friend rather than a date for now. If you have the emotional energy, let them talk, but take any notion of a relationship very slow. It may grow into a wonderful relationship, or it may just be a solid friendship.

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Just be there and listen. And be patient. Some of us are even trying to live it harder to make up for the life that was taken away. That makes us some pretty good life-livers. If you play your cards right, you just might be one of the lucky recipients of all that gratitude! Writing about widowhood, parenting, life, grief, art, writing and publishing.

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